Things to Do - Looking Backwards and Forward

(Pictures from F's "All About Me" book - New Friend = Sarah; I like to eat = apples; Favorite toy = doll [my old cabbage patch kid, Cybil Lily]; This Year in Kindergarten = I play in the [play] kitchen).

Ever since F "adopted" my much-loved cabbage patch doll, Cybil Lily, she brings Cybil everywhere - to the park, restaurants, bike riding, etc. F asks me a lot of questions about Cybil - "What did you and Cybil do together? Did you ride down the slide with her or did she like to go on her own?" Important stuff. I know that what F's really asking is "what were you like as a kid? were you like me?" And it makes me sad that my answers are so foggy, how hard it is to remember that time.

Every day F comes home from kindergarten with a new story, often involving whether someone in her class moved from "ready to learn" to "think about it" on the class behavior chart. F lives in fear of "think about it." I told her yesterday that I spent most of kindergarten under the teacher's desk because I couldn't keep quiet (apparently I still have this problem, hence why I blog). I could tell this information shocked her and debated whether I should have kept it to myself. I questioned my purpose in telling this story. Perhaps, I guess, a desire to assure F that I remember how hard kindergarten can be.

The other day we met up with a few moms and kids from F's playgroup after school. F played for awhile, but then decided she was "too exhausted" and begged to leave. I understand how exhausted she feels after a full day of kindergarten, how tiring it must be to be "on" all day. But I so wanted to talk to my friends for a little longer, to ignore the pull of dinner and bath and stories. Just to relax. As a child, I always thought my mom brought me to the playground for me, now I realize how much of playground time is for adults as well.

After we returned home I thought about how one day, if things work out a certain way (and that's a BIG if) I will be past all this and one of my children may be faced with a similar situation - tired kid, the pull of chores, the desire to converse with friends for a little longer. Possibly - like mine - a life of playgrounds (or work and playgrounds, if they choose that route). And IF it works out a certain way, one night one of my children may call me, wanting to talk about life with children. And what will I remember? What will I have to say?

WEEKEND LINKS:

*My flickr favorites. Sometimes it's nice to just sit and look and beautiful things.

*A great talk on how your search engine may be keeping information from you (link via A Day That Is Dessert).

*WOW.

*1000 Poems. I wish I could read some of them.

*Tree tents.


(Pictures from F's "All About Me" book - Favorite color = pink; My family and I like to = be with each other, What I can do all by myself = get dressed).

Things to Do - Reflect

Growing up my best friend in the world was my grandpa. I wish I could remember all the fun stuff we did together, but those early years remain somewhat blurry. What I do remember was the feeling that he gave me of always being in the moment with him, as if the two of us were the only people in the world. And I remember that he never expected anything of me he just seemed to like playing with me, no strings attached.

Eventually I went to school and met more friends. And learned to love TV and pop culture and boys. And as I became more self-involved, I saw less of my grandpa. At the time I felt that my parents held this against me, that viewed me as abandoning grandpa. But my grandfather always seemed completely accepting of the loss of our closeness, as if this was the way it had to be. As the years went by my grandpa suffered from dementia and became almost childlike. I wish I had some great story about how this effected me strongly, how hard it was. But truthfully I was in high school by then and I had college applications and prom dates and I didn't think about him as much as I probably should have. Though in other ways I never forgot our friendship. T is named after my grandpa and it was one of the few non-negotiables in my marriage.

Anyways, now that I have my own children I think about my grandfather quite a lot. I try to remind myself that the kids will remember so little of what we do and what we talk about, rather at the end of the day they'll just be left with a hazy blur regarding how I made them feel. It sounds so easy to say that you'll be in the moment with your children, but in reality it's so hard to do. These years are always so busy - so many meals to make, bills to pay, details to plan, SO much cleaning (seriously, more than I ever thought possible), hopefully some romance with your spouse, so many little needs that fill up the days. And so little sleep. But I try. At least they have that.