Things to Do - A Kinder, Gentler Rant

First of all, I need to stop. Just one more cranky post and I will return this blog to the "happy space" that I need it to be (hence the grateful lists). Not that anything is wrong with venting or honesty (and I believe in both those things), but this is my place for optimism. And I want to keep it that way.

Regarding the rant -it really was just a rant and while I feel that I had some interesting/worthwhile things to say, I wrote it from an angry place, without well researched arguments. And I'm fine with that. Since the rant posted, I've received quite a few emails and notes regarding Vivia Chen, who apparently quit lawyering and began blogging when "she realized that her favorite part of working on a transaction was planning the post-closing dinner." So it's not okay for a Princeton grad to dream of raising children, but it's fine for Chen to dream of planning a dinner? Um, I'm sure there's a message here. But can someone explain to me what it is? Those who live in glass houses . . . Whatever. I get it, Chen sees herself as different because she WORKS.

Perhaps as women we make too much of this work vs. non-work distinction. When money isn't the issue (and, obviously, this whole discussion changes radically when it is) then why does working in itself become so important? If you have a job you love, then do it. Of course. Or even if you just like the release, the change of pace, the thoughtfulness that working outside the home can bring, then please keep working. But if you believe that one must work just for the sake of working, I don't understand. Do you really think life ends when you leave the corporate world (or for that matter, that you can never return)? Find a hobby. Start a blog. Or even better, I know quite a few moms who couldn't decide between work and home, so instead of trying to find employment outside the home they founded their own businesses. And I think that's pretty awesome. Hence, why I LOVED this quote from Mary Louise Kelly's article - "So many of the women I know are blending work and family in ways our mothers and grandmothers never dreamed possible. This seems to me worth celebrating, not sniffing at. Dare I confess that I feel I’m accomplishing something just as meaningful now as when I spent my time scurrying between Pentagon press briefings? Or, to use an example from Sandberg’s world, should we automatically assume that the woman running the company is doing more with her life than the woman who has negotiated a three-day week?"

One of my best friends from law school works as a corporate lawyer at a major firm. She travels quite a bit for work (depositions don't come to you) and has two incredible children. She's amazing. Due to her schedule, most of the child-raising responsibilities fall on her husband, a fantastic dad. He can spend hours on the floor dressed as a prince or a king or a monkey, creating imaginary worlds with 3 year olds. Yet the other day, my friend said something that has stuck with me, "I just didn't realize it would be this hard - the maternal pull. I always planned on working full time and my husband is great with the kids. But I just can't believe how hard it is for me, to not be with them. I wasn't prepared for that." And I think that's the problem with this whole "have-it-all" philosophy. You can have it all. Really. But it's hard, not just logistically. But emotionally. And good parenting does not have anything to do with whether or not you work outside the home. Some of the best parents I know have full time jobs (three hours with a young child can be heaven, whereas eight can be hell). But I think we just want these wonder-women, these female pinnacles of success to acknowledge this.

And by "we", I don't necessarily mean the 37-year-old me, writing this now. I've made my own choices. I don't need Marissa Mayer or Sheryl Sandberg to explain their lives to me. But I mean the 27 year old law school student me, who assumed she'd just drop the kids with the nanny and dash off to an awesome job. Who assumed parenting would be easy. Emotionally easy. So while I haven't read Lean-In, and while at first the buzz and press annoyed me, the other day I finally watched Sandberg's TED talk and ending up a fan (who would have guessed it?). Along with some really good advice for corporate women (advice I desperately needed ten years ago), Sandberg does say, clearly, THIS IS HARD regarding her life as a working mom. I'm not sure why the press portrays her as a anti-women workaholic (and again, I have not read the book). She flat out states "I feel guilty some times. I know no women, whether they're at home or whether they're in the workforce, who don't feel [this is hard] sometimes. So I'm not saying that staying in the workforce is right for everyone." Further, "I know men that stay at home and work in the home to support wives with careers, and it's hard. When I go to the Mommy-and-Me stuff and I see the father there, I notice that the other mommies don't play with him. And that's a problem, because we have to make it as important a job, because it's the hardest job in the world to stay at home, for people of both genders, if we're going to even things out and let women stay in the workforce."

So instead of a rant, I'll end it on this note - this is the conversation we need to have, not the insults, not denying an education to people who disagree with your future plans, but rather, honesty over antagonism. Because as a SAHM I need people like Sandberg to show my daughters (and my son) that women can make it in the corporate world. Yet, I also feel that our children need people like me, to show that one can "opt out" if one chooses, that personal satisfaction and happiness exist in many different forms, that a job does not define who you are. And that whether it be a nanny, a father, a mother, a relative, or a daycare worker - someone needs to watch the kids (we can't just leave them in a dark room with food on the floor and a bowl of water in the corner). Like it or not, we're all in this together, even Vivia Chen and me (though hopefully we won't ever have to ever actually meet).

In pursuit of openness, sharing, and meeting new people, one of my favorite bloggers and friends* is creating a get together for lawyer moms with the goal of meeting regularly to discuss "a variety of issues facing lawyers with children, including career choices, work-life balance and raising children." Every mom with a law degree is included, regardless of whether you currently utilize it or not. So please come (time and place to be determined)!! I'd love to meet more of you and hear your stories as well. Click here to RSVP.

**Oh, and just in case you think this sounds fun/interesting/different but fear that it will be awkward, I want to assure you that Shannon is outgoing and friendly and easy to talk to. She can make anyone feel totally at ease. Plus she's super fun.