3/20/13

Things to Do - A Kinder, Gentler Rant

First of all, I need to stop. Just one more cranky post and I will return this blog to the "happy space" that I need it to be (hence the grateful lists). Not that anything is wrong with venting or honesty (and I believe in both those things), but this is my place for optimism. And I want to keep it that way.

Regarding the rant -it really was just a rant and while I feel that I had some interesting/worthwhile things to say, I wrote it from an angry place, without well researched arguments. And I'm fine with that. Since the rant posted, I've received quite a few emails and notes regarding Vivia Chen, who apparently quit lawyering and began blogging when "she realized that her favorite part of working on a transaction was planning the post-closing dinner." So it's not okay for a Princeton grad to dream of raising children, but it's fine for Chen to dream of planning a dinner? Um, I'm sure there's a message here. But can someone explain to me what it is? Those who live in glass houses . . . Whatever. I get it, Chen sees herself as different because she WORKS.

Perhaps as women we make too much of this work vs. non-work distinction. When money isn't the issue (and, obviously, this whole discussion changes radically when it is) then why does working in itself become so important? If you have a job you love, then do it. Of course. Or even if you just like the release, the change of pace, the thoughtfulness that working outside the home can bring, then please keep working. But if you believe that one must work just for the sake of working, I don't understand. Do you really think life ends when you leave the corporate world (or for that matter, that you can never return)? Find a hobby. Start a blog. Or even better, I know quite a few moms who couldn't decide between work and home, so instead of trying to find employment outside the home they founded their own businesses. And I think that's pretty awesome. Hence, why I LOVED this quote from Mary Louise Kelly's article - "So many of the women I know are blending work and family in ways our mothers and grandmothers never dreamed possible. This seems to me worth celebrating, not sniffing at. Dare I confess that I feel I’m accomplishing something just as meaningful now as when I spent my time scurrying between Pentagon press briefings? Or, to use an example from Sandberg’s world, should we automatically assume that the woman running the company is doing more with her life than the woman who has negotiated a three-day week?"

One of my best friends from law school works as a corporate lawyer at a major firm. She travels quite a bit for work (depositions don't come to you) and has two incredible children. She's amazing. Due to her schedule, most of the child-raising responsibilities fall on her husband, a fantastic dad. He can spend hours on the floor dressed as a prince or a king or a monkey, creating imaginary worlds with 3 year olds. Yet the other day, my friend said something that has stuck with me, "I just didn't realize it would be this hard - the maternal pull. I always planned on working full time and my husband is great with the kids. But I just can't believe how hard it is for me, to not be with them. I wasn't prepared for that." And I think that's the problem with this whole "have-it-all" philosophy. You can have it all. Really. But it's hard, not just logistically. But emotionally. And good parenting does not have anything to do with whether or not you work outside the home. Some of the best parents I know have full time jobs (three hours with a young child can be heaven, whereas eight can be hell). But I think we just want these wonder-women, these female pinnacles of success to acknowledge this.

And by "we", I don't necessarily mean the 37-year-old me, writing this now. I've made my own choices. I don't need Marissa Mayer or Sheryl Sandberg to explain their lives to me. But I mean the 27 year old law school student me, who assumed she'd just drop the kids with the nanny and dash off to an awesome job. Who assumed parenting would be easy. Emotionally easy. So while I haven't read Lean-In, and while at first the buzz and press annoyed me, the other day I finally watched Sandberg's TED talk and ending up a fan (who would have guessed it?). Along with some really good advice for corporate women (advice I desperately needed ten years ago), Sandberg does say, clearly, THIS IS HARD regarding her life as a working mom. I'm not sure why the press portrays her as a anti-women workaholic (and again, I have not read the book). She flat out states "I feel guilty some times. I know no women, whether they're at home or whether they're in the workforce, who don't feel [this is hard] sometimes. So I'm not saying that staying in the workforce is right for everyone." Further, "I know men that stay at home and work in the home to support wives with careers, and it's hard. When I go to the Mommy-and-Me stuff and I see the father there, I notice that the other mommies don't play with him. And that's a problem, because we have to make it as important a job, because it's the hardest job in the world to stay at home, for people of both genders, if we're going to even things out and let women stay in the workforce."

So instead of a rant, I'll end it on this note - this is the conversation we need to have, not the insults, not denying an education to people who disagree with your future plans, but rather, honesty over antagonism. Because as a SAHM I need people like Sandberg to show my daughters (and my son) that women can make it in the corporate world. Yet, I also feel that our children need people like me, to show that one can "opt out" if one chooses, that personal satisfaction and happiness exist in many different forms, that a job does not define who you are. And that whether it be a nanny, a father, a mother, a relative, or a daycare worker - someone needs to watch the kids (we can't just leave them in a dark room with food on the floor and a bowl of water in the corner). Like it or not, we're all in this together, even Vivia Chen and me (though hopefully we won't ever have to ever actually meet).

In pursuit of openness, sharing, and meeting new people, one of my favorite bloggers and friends* is creating a get together for lawyer moms with the goal of meeting regularly to discuss "a variety of issues facing lawyers with children, including career choices, work-life balance and raising children." Every mom with a law degree is included, regardless of whether you currently utilize it or not. So please come (time and place to be determined)!! I'd love to meet more of you and hear your stories as well. Click here to RSVP.

**Oh, and just in case you think this sounds fun/interesting/different but fear that it will be awkward, I want to assure you that Shannon is outgoing and friendly and easy to talk to. She can make anyone feel totally at ease. Plus she's super fun.




10 comments:

  1. I hadn't planned on reading your blog and getting teary eyed this morning! Such an amazing post (you know I love your rants!), and I so appreciate the shout out. Can't wait to see you soon.

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  2. I loved this post! My husband and I are both full-time laywers with a 2 yo in daycare and baby #2 on the way. Lately I've REALLY been struggling with the emotional difficulties of being away from my son for 8+ hours a day (as I wrote about just yesterday: tinyurl.com/d3ea7xo ) and I wish more people would talk about the emotional side of being a working mom. So thank you! PS. Wish I lived in DC to join the lawyer mommy meet-up!

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  3. I totally agree. This work thing, even if you just work out of the home part time, is really hard emotionally. And the stay at home dad point that Sandberg makes is right on. My husband is a SAHD and he has a really tough time getting playdates together for the kids. We even lost some friends over this. In the other couple, the dad works, the mom is a SAHM. When my husband tried to schedule some playdates with these friends, the SAHM kept making excuses and cancelling. I think she was not comfortable hanging out with a dad and his kids, even though we were friends. For several reasons we do not socialize with this couple anymore. And it saddens me. It makes me mad as hell too. Why are SAHD's ostracized so much? It's one of the questions we need to address.

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  4. You hit the nail on the head. It is emotionally (if not physically) draining to be a working mother. I have been a corporate lawyer for 9 years, and with my oldest entering kindergarten this fall, I am done. I am going to take some time off to enjoy my kids. Just after my son turned 4, I realized that I had spent only one full week with him since my maternity leave. Sure there were holidays, and long weekends, but the revelation made me incredibly sad. The maternal pull, the emotional roller coaster was not something I ever anticipated before having kids. That is what makes us different than working fathers, and makes the balance harder to achieve.

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  5. It’s really comforting to hear that it is OKAY to want more from life than just a job. I’ve been in BigLaw for five years and have a one year old, and since she came, I realize how much I love so many parts of life that aren’t practicing (the quote from Chen is the first and only time we’ve seen eye to eye on something). I’m really struggling with the decision to opt-out, though. Sadly, I’m realizing that all my arguments in favor of staying revolve around what I “should” be doing, and not what I really want to be doing. I also realize how much pressure women put on other women to adopt or validate their choices. None of my friends are SAHMs, and I’ve heard from them pretty strong statements about the decision to SAH. It’s a shame. I almost feel like it takes more courage to opt-out than it took to get the degree and litigate in front of some of the toughest federal judges on the bench.

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    1. Definitely takes courage to leave the practice for awhile. But what I stressed to my parents when I made the decision, is that it's not opting out of a career, I feel like I am finally opting in to being the type of mama to my kids that I want to be. And I won't be out of my career forever. It's temporary, maybe I will pick up some new skills or go in a new direction. But as I was making my decision after 9 years in the law, it was, would I rather regret not giving my all to my job or not giving my all to my kids? And I can live with letting the career track slide for a bit, but I feel immense guilt for not being the mom I would like to be. But I am also lucky to have a supportive husband who can make ends meet without my job. (And I haven't told my boss yet, so easier said than done! Lol).

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  6. wow, I'm not used to this many comments or this many stories (apparently kids' crafts only warrant so much discussion) but I totally understand where everyone is coming from. F was 2.5 and P was 1.5 when I quit big law. And, honestly, the first year was hard in terms of meeting new friends. The first moms' club meeting I ever attended a woman told me "I could never ever have left my children for two years like that." I was angry. And confused. Staying at home had been a personal choice and now i realized i was on a whole new team. For the first year I didn't really hang out with any other moms, luckily, I was so excited to be with the kids and learning photography that I was pretty happy by myself for awhile. Eventually I moved on and made friends, but I still hate when SAHMs insult working moms and vice versa. Even though I've never managed (or really tried) to make it work, I still find part-time moms (for lack of a better term) to be the happiest, three days a work does seem like the perfect answer.

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    1. The comments are so completely unnecessary. My sister-in-law said to me (when I was 9 months pregnant and was unquestionably going back to work), "Oh, I didn't go back to work because I actually wanted to be the one to raise my children."

      ouch. I recognize that she makes verbal strikes because she is defensive about her own choices, but still.

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  7. We women should stop fighting against eachother. One wants to be at home with the kids- fine, one wants to work and has an other good way to care for her kids- fine... and then there are the many shades inbetween (like myself- I have to work, would love to work less and be more with the kids, would never quit work alltogether and until my mid-20ies thought I will be a SHAM like my mother...) I think everyone is entitled to study and learn what her pleases. Even if a woman stays at home later for a period of time- who knows one day she would like to return to work, maybe has to. And educated women will likely have educated children...
    I wish for every woman that she can choose her own way and be happy with her choice.

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  8. I always knew I wanted to be SAHM, in fact I even chose a teaching career so I could "have the best of both worlds." After teaching art for 6 years, and mind you I wasn't even married yet. I was riffed from my job, and my psyche spiraled downward. I wound up subbing and joining my parents in the "family business" I learned more about property management, and being my dad's secretary. Eventually Dustin and I married and we had the kids. When they were little, I couldn't dream of how working moms do it. I saw my friends and cousins work full time and try to raise the kids, it looked exhausting. Now that they are older, I am trying to start my own photography business and let me tell you, it's really frustrating balancing my needs vs. the family's needs. I really think these are great conversations, and as I've said before, women can have it all, just not all at once.

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