Things to Do - Reflect

Growing up my best friend in the world was my grandpa. I wish I could remember all the fun stuff we did together, but those early years remain somewhat blurry. What I do remember was the feeling that he gave me of always being in the moment with him, as if the two of us were the only people in the world. And I remember that he never expected anything of me he just seemed to like playing with me, no strings attached.

Eventually I went to school and met more friends. And learned to love TV and pop culture and boys. And as I became more self-involved, I saw less of my grandpa. At the time I felt that my parents held this against me, that viewed me as abandoning grandpa. But my grandfather always seemed completely accepting of the loss of our closeness, as if this was the way it had to be. As the years went by my grandpa suffered from dementia and became almost childlike. I wish I had some great story about how this effected me strongly, how hard it was. But truthfully I was in high school by then and I had college applications and prom dates and I didn't think about him as much as I probably should have. Though in other ways I never forgot our friendship. T is named after my grandpa and it was one of the few non-negotiables in my marriage.

Anyways, now that I have my own children I think about my grandfather quite a lot. I try to remind myself that the kids will remember so little of what we do and what we talk about, rather at the end of the day they'll just be left with a hazy blur regarding how I made them feel. It sounds so easy to say that you'll be in the moment with your children, but in reality it's so hard to do. These years are always so busy - so many meals to make, bills to pay, details to plan, SO much cleaning (seriously, more than I ever thought possible), hopefully some romance with your spouse, so many little needs that fill up the days. And so little sleep. But I try. At least they have that.